For a long time I had absolutely no idea why I was actually doing what I was doing. Why I was exercising, studying for exams, eating or brushing my teeth. "It's just how it's done", "That's how it should be" or "That's how we've always done it" were the sentences that encouraged me in my unconscious actions.
It is not easy to take responsibility for my own actions. And that is why I used to prefer to hand it over. To others, my parents, the state or the weather. There is always something, and that is why I now eat a pack of Snickers. Yeah! What was totally logical for me back then is now pure compensation for me. Compensation for circumstances, feelings and fears. That was my way, like that of so many others, to make the suffering bearable, to express my needs. My way of shooting a little dopamine into my system and feeling for a few minutes that I am enough, loved and happy. Madness, isn't it? Pure madness that is modeled for us, that the media presents to us and that the big marketing companies cultivate. "Do THAT and you'll be great!", "Put on THAT and you'll be worth it!" The suggestion that without THAT you are "not great" or "not worth it" takes place very subtly and eats deep into the self-awareness (or lack of it) of humanity. And it makes total sense, because how else can I market my product? How else can I increase sales? The answer to this question, which I have found for myself and which I am happy to share with you here, is celebration.
The act of celebrating, also called partying, can be, in addition to compensation, another motivation for any imaginable action. The difference? While compensation comes from a place of lack, of not having enough or not being enough, celebration comes from a place of abundance. "I am whole and THIS is what I get on top of that." And that THAT is purely optional. I don't need the most expensive chili in the world (called Charapita) on my spice shelf. My happiness does not depend on it. And if I now decide to add it to my spice range, then that is my personal celebration. Not bound by external expectations, social conventions or a fear of not being part of the fine spice club without this outrageously expensive chili. This chili symbolizes everything that we give ourselves day after day and what we surround ourselves with. Does our action come from a place of abundance? Or do we believe that we can "make up for something" or "straighten something out" through it? A very exciting topic that I have become very sensitive to. When I devote myself to cocoa, whether it is in production, answering social media messages or writing a blog entry, I often look inside myself and ask myself: Am I celebrating THAT? Is THAT what I am doing an expression of my joy in life or does it serve my growth? If the answer is "no," then I take a break, drink some cocoa or go for a walk. I have found that if I carry on at this point, delving into something that ultimately represents compensation, then I end up empty-handed and, above all, without energy. If the answer is "yes!" then I give myself completely to THAT which I am doing. I trust that THAT is exactly the right thing and is doing the world the greatest service possible at this moment.
And if that means spending an hour scrolling through Instagram and commenting on posts by wonderful people, then that's exactly it. A great example of this concept of conscious action is my yoga routine. It has been an integral part of my life for 3 years and I do it almost every morning (thanks Siddhantji!).
During my yoga teacher training, my teacher Siddhant told me how important it is to maintain such a routine and what a positive impact it has on life. "Do your practice for 100 days and your whole life will change!" were his words. And I still believe him. What I didn't realize at the time, however, was that I was desperately searching for something that would make me feel "whole". Something that would make me feel "okay".
And TADAA, there was the yoga routine with breathing exercises and meditation. It gave me exactly what I was missing. Great, right? At first glance, maybe... Because before I knew it, I was addicted to this routine. I couldn't live without it. A day on which I didn't "do" my yoga was a lost day. A day of self-blame and discomfort. A clear case of compensation .
I practiced my yoga for about a year and a half and clung to this practice in the hope that it would finally make me a person worth loving and living. And of course it couldn't do that on the deepest level of my being. What did happen, however, was that my practice gave me a certain inner stability. I increasingly had the feeling that I was consciously deciding how much and how I practiced. Until one day I finally felt that I could just stop the practice.
After just four days I felt weak, worn out and out of sorts and realized that the only thing that had changed was that I was no longer practicing yoga. And from this feeling I realized for the first time what a gift this practice was and what a privilege it was for me to be able to live it. That day my motivation for doing yoga changed. Since that day I have celebrated my morning yoga ritual and like to take time for it - sometimes up to 2 hours.
Not because I have to, not because I can't cope otherwise, but because of the beauty of the practice and all its positive influences on me and those around me. And if I don't get around to it, I accept it and know that tomorrow is another day. I think this is a beautiful example of how even something noble, wise and virtuous like yoga can serve to compensate for a lack. And at the same time, that this can and should change every day.
I feel blessed to share this story with you right after my yoga practice and hope you enjoyed reading this post. I'm really looking forward to your feedback or a like. <3 With love, Your Mischa
