What's my Medicine?

"Seeing through the illusion."(spell on card)

I've been self-medicating since I was a teenager.

Initially very unconscious with alcohol and cannabis. My refuge in an existence that is neither consistent nor comfortable nor meaningful. When that didn't help either, I resorted to stronger medicine. Ecstasy and amphetamine came along and taught me what it means to get out there, be open and dance like there's no tomorrow.

Entheogens like mushrooms and LSD took me into a world that I didn't understand but experienced and that always felt more meaningful to me than the academic one. I learned to recognize the power of my mind and recognized the relevance of set and setting and the beauty of nature. Ketamine showed me what it means to be objective. Non-attached, as it is called in the spiritual world. Detached from the material and emotional vortex, vibrating through the universe.

And then she came, the old, wise grandmother Aya, who gave me an apprenticeship for the first time in the jungle of Peru, the integration of which took over two years. The experience is as intense as the message is rich. That night, for the first time, I made the true determination to devote myself to Kakao, come what may. But that experience is not to be part of my narrative today. Since then, Ayahuasca has accompanied, called, connected, challenged and taught me.

Thus, I have lived the last 10 years of my life in association with medicine, which I have relied on. Medicine that healed me and brought me knowledge. Medicine that was sometimes even fun. Fantastic, or jein. Because recently I was allowed to end my ceremony with the bitter realization that I had externalized my healing over the years. I figured I had to smoke, swallow, snort, breathe, or drink them. Taking it because it's outside of me, not there yet, with someone else..

As wonderful as the medicine was, I was trapped in the construct that I needed it. And I was cool with it. I knew where to get them and was therefore in a functioning relationship of dependency. True to the motto "You lead me to me and I'll accept everything that it takes" I turned to the medicinal plants and substances, set intentions and "done the work".

It struck me like scales from my eyes to realize that I was trapped in this healing construct all these years. Like a mouse in a maze that can't get the view from above and is so absorbed by the challenge of the riddle. Maybe the goal is lurking around the next corner The enlightenment The healing Maybe......

I came out of the ceremony laughing, threw my rapé applicator into the fire and said to myself: enough is enough. No more detours. No "secret contracts" with medicine, teachers and the earth. Everything I need is there. And I don't need anything that isn't there.

Medicine, I was allowed to learn, does not heal. At best, it can favor the circumstances so that healing finds its way into my system. And if I had read that two weeks ago, I would have nodded in agreement, but I would not have understood it. And now my question to you, dear reader: where do you still take detours to yourself where do you think you couldn't "alone""?

What do you make your well-being dependent on? Just notice that... the rest will happen by itself..

You don't need to change anything, it will do it by itself.

With love, your Mischa

Written by Mischa Levit