How does it feel to be in the absence of what matters most right now How does it feel to not be able to have the person by your side who is your most important reference point right now Up until just 6 months ago I wouldn't have you can say. It was not present, not possible and somehow not necessary for me. I was good with myself and the world. Cared for me and enjoyed what there was to enjoy. If something wasn't within my grasp, there was always an alternative, distraction, substance or, if necessary, a reproach. I didn't know any different. Missing something fervently wasn't in my repertoire, it must have been lost. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood. Maybe disappeared into the crack of the sofa, on which I watched TV for many hours every day, mostly alone. What to wait for when nothing comes anyway? Who to call when no one hears meört?
In my world I was alone and that was good. Nobody I missed. I felt so independent and grown up. And I was so lonely. No one close enough to me to miss. Nobody who could leave me, because I didn't let him to me in the first place. And if I got a bad feeling, I would reflexively reach for the remote control or the 13th sandwich biscuit. As simple as it was back then, it is as painful to write today.
What does it mean to really miss someone And why is that good To me, missing means being so close to someone that it is more painful to be without them than with them. It means having made a connection that transcends thoughts and feelings in the moment. Is stronger and more consistent. A connection that is not dependent on single words, deeds or activities. Free from expectations. A soul level connection, some would say.n.
Why this is good I can only speak for myself here and share with you what comes to me in tears and dark, torn nights. Put on the diving goggles, it's going to be deep. For me, the intensity of the sometimes uncomfortable feeling of missing is the exact reflection of my partnership or friendship. That is, from this perspective, this missing you is a pure and soulful affirmation of the connection I've made. Every tear of sorrow like a love letter from my emotional world to my mind, which calls: This person is so important to you. You care so much about his well-being. You appreciate his closeness that much.
And then my heart breaks. Only to be lovingly reassembled by me. My trust seeps away. Only to be rediscovered by me in depth.
It feels like work. It is difficult. It is important. For me, that's the work I can do with myself. To be the unconditionally loving person I choose to be, even if it doesn't always work out.
If there is one more goal on this planet that I really strive for with effort and striving, it is this: To love in every moment. In the depths, behind identifications and beyond conditioning. It's worth getting up early for. That's why I like to go to work, that's why I sweat and shed tears.
If the world is a mirror, then I love that mirror and with it I love myself. What is seen in the mirror is not my business and poses no danger as long as I carry this beautiful mirror in my heart.
As beautiful as these lines sound, it will be a pity if I forget them again. When I dive down again, get tangled up, lose touch.
And until then, I enjoy this warm feeling in my heart. Enjoy the blurred vision through my tear-filled eyes. Enjoy the knowledge of these people, who I carry so deep in my heart that no sheet of paper fits between them. Thank you Anka & Lukas for being these people for me. Thank you for letting me carry you in my heart and miss you.
You are priceless to me.
I love you. Your Mischa