Photo Credit: Yana Rendon

It's been a long time since my fingers touched the keyboard with this intention.
It's been a long time since I gave my innermost expression in literary form.

What's the point when everything is going on outside? What's the point if our cocoa speaks for itself and motivates you to write your own story?

Yes, what for?

Just because it feels good. Just because I like it.

And, to share certain things with you. Things that don't fit in the newsletter. Things that don't even fit into a conversation. Borderline things.

I had lost control of life. Not that I've ever controlled it, it's just that in the last few weeks it has slipped away from me into a state of mind of choicelessness and hedonism. So many festivals, so much action and so much overstimulated enjoyment. So I just let things go. On a cute inflatable tire into the whirlpool of “What the heck?”

It's a good thing that life has a built-in alarm clock. It's less good that it doesn't sound with soft light and birdsong like my daylight alarm clock, but in my case due to my Covid illness coupled with a complete overload of my entire mental and physical system.

Who would have thought that it wouldn't be a good idea to renovate our seminar room immediately after the sleepless Fusion Festival and coordinate the two Moldavian guest workers while continuing to run the cocoa business?

Probably everyone...

But not with me! Once again I tried to outsmart my calendar and was simply torn apart by tension, illness, distance, pressure, dissatisfaction and doubts.

Another dark week for a long time. One that I don't like to think back on and one without which I wouldn't be here now.

This week gave me the reason for a change. For a new reflection, a new beginning and for a strong dose of my little Psilocybe cubensis friends (please don't copy me!).

The latter made me feel what I was putting my system and my environment through. I was able to learn again what a gift it is to have this existence at home.

My gut feeling came back to me, but as an unheard of pain and suffering.
My illness made room for itself because it didn't want to be swept under the table either.

As terrible as it sounds, this form of hero's journey is important to me. The encounter with myself in my darkest hours.

I feel revitalized, focused and determined to pursue my goals. The podcast, the videos, the demo... all of this has been wanting to happen for a long time and I'm finally allowing it. I'm finally allowing my life to live me again. Because life is the only thing that really waits. Every second it is waiting to be lived and felt.

So what are you waiting for?